HOW YOGA, MEDITATION & BREATHING SAVED MY LIFE
HOW YOGA, MEDITATION & BREATHING SAVED MY LIFE
As I lay on my back on the hospital bed getting rushing into emergency I stared up at the fluorescent lights above flashing by. I felt nothing. No emotion was present. I was so disconnected from self that I could not feel a thing.
That morning I got a phone call and I was told that I had no white blood cells left. I was in grave danger and I must get to emergency as soon as possible. They were waiting for me. They knew I was coming. The specialist told me I must go now.
In the car googling the causes of “no white blood cells” the first thing to come up was Leukaemia
(which runs in our family).
“Don’t tell Mum and Dad” was the first thing I said to my brother. Looking out for others wellbeing as I always did. As for the wellbeing of myself… I just felt numb.
What led me to this point in my life?
What I believe to be an undiagnosed mental illness and eating disorder. After a week in hospital in the Cancer ward in a special quarantine room the doctors found “no cause” for my rare condition of no-white blood cells. I didn’t have Cancer, which I still thank God for until this day.
The doctors knew I competed in female body building, but little did they know the mental/emotional struggles my body and mind was dealing with deep down. I hid these. I did not want to share my emotions. I didn’t know how. I was scared to open up and tell the truth, to be vulnerable, as all I knew how to be was to be strong. Not strong for myself, but strong for everyone else around me.
The doctors didn't know about my severe addiction to exercise, about my serious control issue over food and my body image. They didn’t know that the almost anorexic, sick, drained and empty woman that they saw I did not see in the mirror. I still saw a woman that was “too fat” and not good enough. I didn’t see a woman crying out for love and attention. I didn’t see a woman who was anxious and felt out of control. I didn’t see a woman who was deeply sad and confused . I blocked all of that out. I was numb.
At some stage in my life I had begun to feel “out of control”. What exactly triggered it I am not sure but from a young age looking back now I see that whenever anything that seemed out of my control externally, such as others fighting, a difficult situation, a time of sadness, anger, frustration…. basically anytime I was “feeling” I was afraid of losing control. I was afraid of expression my emotions. I was afraid of being weak. I was afraid if I showed this “weakness” I wouldn’t be loved.
So I found ways to “control” my external world and most importantly my internal world of emotions through food and exercise. Through punishing myself, my mind, body and soul I thought I was “fixing” the problem. I hid my pain away. I didn’t allow myself to feel. “Controlling” numbed my pain and helped me “deal” (more like suppress) with my emotions and deeper feelings.
Looking back it was like I was punishing myself for “feeling”. I was scared. I was sad. I was angry. I felt alone. I was disconnected from myself and form others. I was empty. I was soulless. I felt like my only purpose in life was this “control” that I had over my body, food and exercise.
Then I found yoga, meditation and breathing. 6 months after my hospitalisation I was sitting under a tree at home on our then family farm. Out of no where came a thought “I am going to do my Yoga Teachers Course”. So that day I booked it and then 6 months later I flew to Bali to get started. I also started to see my healer (now friend) Antonia who taught me the amazing power of using our breath to heal ourselves!
I spend 5 weeks learning to re-connect to myself. To connect to my body and my breath. I learnt to honour my body. To honour my breath. I learnt to move from a place of love and not a place of punishment.
I started my journey of learning to FEEL and not suppress. I learnt to deal with my undiagnosed anxiety over situations I can’t control by using meditation and movement. I learnt that it is safe to be vulnerable. I learnt that the most important persons feelings to care about are my own. I learnt that it is safe to by spiritual and to share that side of myself. I learnt that it is safe to be me.
I learnt that it is ok to feel empty, alone, scared, confused and broken. I learnt that it is safe to HEAL my inner world. I learnt that controlling my internal world amongst external chaos is the answer to my anxiety and fear of loss of control.
Controlling my food and exercise has been a way for me to deal with undiagnosed anxiety for many years. Since a teenager when things felt out of control I would push any feelings away by focusing on my appearance. I thought the way that I looked would solve all of my deep seeded problems and fears. How wrong I was.
Even now 5 years after being hospitalised and working on my deep healing, I can still find myself at times starting to relive old patterns. Sometimes obsessing over my body and using exercise addiction and food as a way to control any perceived stressful situation by pushing my emotions away and numbing what is really there.
The difference now however, is that I am fully AWARE of this pattern. This awareness and ability to make a conscious choice to make a positive change signifies healing and not a “relapse”. Forgiveness and compassion is the key to healing.
I now make the conscious choice to compassionately question my actions and to take time to sit with myself. To breath. To meditate. To FEEL. I allow myself a time of deeper connection to uncover what it is I once tried to hide and push away.
What feelings am I trying to suppress? Why? How can I heal these?
I allow myself to feel. To cry if I need. To laugh. To scream. To breath deep.
How did yoga, meditation and breathing save my life you ask?
It gave me new found ways to HEAL. TO FEEL. It gave me new found ways and a safe space to feel my emotions. It taught me that vulnerability is strength. The woman that I am now that expresses how she feels (I am still learning to do this more and more) and allows herself to cry (I have cried more in the last month then in the last year.. yay!) is much stronger then the woman who hid this all away form herself and the world in the past.
Yoga and mediation taught me how to re-connect to myself with my breath and loving movement. It taught me how to feel and to love my body. It taught me to reconnect with my body, which is something I was so obsessed with perfecting in the past but was so disconnected from. I was connected to the ego, not to the heart.
Yoga taught me that I am much more then my physical body, it taught me that I am my soul. My soul is my sparkle that draws others to me. This will never change. My body changes. My body is not me, but it is my home this lifetime and it has given me the gift of life and can re-create life itself. It honours me daily with the gift of life so I give it that honour back in return, by treating it with love, respect and kindness.
Yoga has taught me my purpose. My purpose is LIFE and to experience life to the fullest one must FEEL. Feel ALL of the emotions. The “good” and the “bad”. Without experiencing sadness how can we experience happiness. Without heartbreak how can we experience love.
What truely saved my life?
Learning to connect back to myself. To my soul.
Now when I find myself feeling challenged, fearful, anxious, sad, angry, frustrated or disconnected I take myself to my mat or to nature. To move. Breath. Sit. Be. Feel. Heal.
In self-connection is where true healing occurs.
Without discovering this I truely believe I would still be stuck in the old spiral of self hate, punishment and disconnect and possibly no longer would hold the gift of life. My punished body may have given up on me.
My journey is a never ending one but every day no matter what I am forever grateful for my life. I am forever grateful for the second chance of life that my “near death” experience gave me.
I am forever grateful for my awakening.
Shine the light on your darkness. You are worthy of feeling and healing. You are worthy of the gift of life. You soul is waiting to connect.
“and I said to my body softly ‘I want to be your friend.’
It took a long breath and replied, ‘I have been waiting my whole life for this’.”
Iam Journeying Home - Mandy xxx
I have created the SELF LOVE: MIND, BODY & SOUL HEALING COACHING PACKAGE to help women on the same or similar journey to HEAL and finally love themselves inside and out.
For more information or to get started check out the link above or CONTACT ME.
I would be honoured to guide you on your journey xxxx