THE REASON I HAVE DECIDED TO LET GO OF BINGE DRINKING

13/6/18

This is a decision I have had in the back of my mind for many years now, but most recently in the last 2 years since I have gone through a massive personal transformation. I have in my life gone through phases of cutting out alcohol all together, socially isolating myself and removing alcohol as a means of fat loss ad because it is “bad for me” and I have also gone through phases of my life, particularity at University where binge drinking was a huge part of my life…sometimes even binge drinking 3 times a week in my early 20s.

I am writing this blog as a process of gaining more clarity in my decision myself, to heal whatever barrier I still have there with giving up binging, and to discover why I still find myself dropping back into my “Uni Days” and find myself having large nights out drinking excessive amounts of alcohol.

By reading this blog I hope that if you resonate you can find some healing and clarity in your journey too, or it might even spark you to reconsider other aspects of your life that may no longer serve you any purpose.

So I start by looking back at the time in my life where drinking to excess was a massive part of my life. I look back at my days at University and at the woman that I was then. I was insecure, I didn’t have any self worth, I didn’t love myself or my body, I was very disconnected to my intuition and spirituality, I was scared of judgement, I was longing to fit in, to make friends, to be seen as cool for once in my life, I wanted to be desired by men, I wanted attention, I wanted confidence, I wanted to feel ‘hot/sexy’…. all of these things that I was ‘lacking’ in my life or that I was searching for I thought that I would find through alcohol.

At the time I wasn’t consciously aware of these thoughts or feelings, I would literally just numb them with other things around me, like over exercising, keeping super busy always and yes also drinking alcohol. When I drank to excess for a fleeting moment I could escape my ‘reality’ one of which I was clearly not loving, I gained the confidence in my life that I was searching for and I thought I felt good about myself….. but deep down I was still lacking all of that. I was not addressing my core issues of what I was searching for, in fact I was running away from them and often making those issues worse or heightened.

Big nights out often led to regret, confusion, sadness, feelings of anxiety and even more feelings of unworthiness, dissatisfaction with self and lack of self love. I am sure many of you can remember those nights where you are so full of alcohol, your reality is altered, your inhibitions are gone, you think you feel amazing, the confidence is up… but then something happens, you tip over the edge, all of that comes crashing down.. as they say what goes up must come down… and when it is a state that you are not in control of (altered by something external) then it is hard for you to control the down also.

look back on those times in my past with no regrets (as there is no point of regret in life, live a life of no regrets and LEARN) and even on the times I have drunk way too much lately with no regrets, as I have had fun the majority of the time (but also had some terrible, terrible times) and also times when I came crashing back down I have learnt so much (this is not me endorsing binge drinking at all by the way) but I also am aware right now at this stage of my life that drinking to excess no longer serves me and neither does cutting alcohol out all together. Recently when I have drunk to excess I have had the huge realisation that this represents the “old me” it represents my “old reality” and “old thought patterns and beliefs about myself and the world and my place in it”. I realise that this altered state of perception I no longer “need” it is no longer serving me….. so why do it? Why deal with the hectic consequences of the day after…and even the day after the day after?

So lets take a swing back into my past again for a brief moment, to the times when I have completely cut out alcohol. I look back on those times and as mentioned earlier it wasn’t me cutting out alcohol as I was in a “good place” in my life. It was me cutting out alcohol because I still lacked self love, self worth and was still looking for all of those things I was looking for through binge drinking…. ironic isn’t it?! I was looking for validation, love, acceptance etc as I thought if I didn’t drink I would lose body fat, be fit and sexy as… then I thought I would be confident, love myself and be worthy of love back in return.

So now we flash back to the now… to this current moment where I just turned 31 and finally feel in the place in my life where binge drinking is no longer serving me any purpose. Binge drinking is not serving me purpose and neither is complete restriction of alcohol. Both of which I did as a way to “control” my current state of lack of self love and confidence and attempt to gain it through external means.

I am at a time in my life where I can honestly say I love myself as I am, I feel so confident and secure in my sense of self, I have so much self worth and love and I know that I am deserving of this back in return.

So exactly at this moment of writing this blog I feel content and clear with my decision to remove binge drinking from my life. I see with clear eyes and an open heart that this is not a part of my life that is aligning with who I am now and who I want to be. Binge drinking represents my past, the past me and I have had so much internal growth the last two years that many things in my life that once served me purpose (people, things, thoughts, habits, beliefs, places, jobs etc) I have let go of in order to live in true alignment with my soul.

Exactly a year ago in fact I decided to remove meat from my life… once again placing no restriction on myself and not labelling myself or my actions (as restriction does not work for me.. I had a past of bodybuilding and restricting basically everything in life and that doesn’t lead to happiness or life fulfilment for me either) and I haven’t looked back. Around the same time last year I also decided to let go of my obsession with exercising, as that was no longer serving me purpose either. Both of which have provided so much happiness and healing in my life and with who I am right now.

When you let go of things in your life that no longer serve you purpose you often have to have a period or ‘relearning’ behaviours, thought patterns etc. I had to relearn to eat differently and change my mindset to ‘needing protein’ and being fearful of carbs and I had to relearn to exercise and move my body in ways that represent my love of self, longevity, health and happiness. And now I will get to relearn to respect and appreciate alcohol again. Respect the beautiful aspect of appreciating wine with family and friends, appreciating it and drinking as a part of the beautiful experience of life and who I am as a person, not to try and seek something outside of me. Strength, confidence in self and my choices are what I have and know will assist me to relearn and create a new relationship and respect for alcohol. I feel like such a grown up (haha) and I now totally get why Mum and Dad still to this day now tell me ‘to have fun but not to get smashed’. Wise words I am sure that they have learnt from your past actions too.

I consciously am aware that I do not want or need to drink in access anymore to have fun, but I am well aware that drinking respectfully can be fun also. I own who I am. I love who I am. I love my life. I am on a constant journey of relearning, growing and adapting to this growth and relearning and adapting to my ‘new way of life’ and to the ‘new woman’ I am now that is living a life of purpose, passion and alignment.

It is truely a beautiful place to be in!!!

I am excited for this next phase of my life, this new learning phase, this new phase of letting go of yet another aspect of my life that isn’t serving me.

I would love to hear from any of you who have let go of ‘binge drinking’ or any other aspect of you life and your experience with it too. We can all learn and grow from each others experiences in life. We are here to help heal ourselves and each other in return.

“Be bold, be brave, be respectful to your self and BE YOU!”

With love and light,

Mandy xxxx

Kat JoyceJune 12, 2018